In the midst of Loss

This morning I woke up thinking about what happens today.  Today, my friend Kent is laid to rest.  He was a protector and nurturer for our family.  God used him mightily to be Jesus to us in so many ways.  I wondered what we’ll do without him.  I have faith that God is great and will sustain us…but I also know that God won’t violate free will…and people are somewhat (!) less reliable than they should be.  It’s not enough to believe in God.  Even Satan does that.  We have to believe God…believe He is who He says He is and that He can do what He says He can do.  I’m trying.  My prayer this morning boiled down to:
"I do believe; help my unbelief." Mark 9:24 (NASB)
Genesis 15:6, Romans 4:3, Galatians 3:6 and James 2:23 all say that Abraham believed and it was credited to him as righteousness.  I do believe; help my unbelief.  God, help me to believe YOU and to not put my faith in people.  In spite of our human frailties and unfaithfulness, YOU are faithful. Amen
In my email box this morning was a wonderful devotional that speaks to my feelings today.  I share it with you in hopes that it blesses you, too.

The Anguish of Faith
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman
03-20-2010

"Do not hide Your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit." - Psalm 143:7b
Of all the biblical characters, David gives us a glimpse of a man who walked with God with great emotion in victory and in defeat. David never lost a battle throughout his many years of serving as king of Israel. In many of the Psalms, David often lamented about the difficult places where God had placed him. He talked of his enemies and the need for God to deliver him. He talked of God's everlasting love for him. How do you suppose David came to this understanding after years of being sought after by King Saul who wanted to take his life? His years of turmoil within his family gave him many reasons to lose all hope in a loving God.
David often began his Psalms in a place of discouragement and loss of hope. But he never ended one Psalm in defeat. He always came to a place of victory in God by the end of the Psalm. David always placed his life in God's hands, knowing He would care for him.
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in You. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground (Psalm 143:8-10).
It is okay to feel discouragement. It is part of the process of grieving and working through those times of pain. But God wants each of us to allow Him to walk with us in these places. If you find yourself in one of these places, do what David did. Ask God to show you the way and let Him bring the word of His unfailing love to you.

Love, Claudia

In Memory: Kent Parker (June 25, 1966 - March 13, 2010)

I’ll miss you, Kent.  You were a shining example of how to keep smiling in spite of ALS.  Your sense of humor brought joy to my life.  Your loving concern for my family was amazing.  Thank you for all that you gave us.  You finished well, my friend.  I will see you again through the grace of God!  Hallelujah!

Preaching to myself…

I just received an email from a dear friend.  She is in the midst of a significant family crisis.  Her husband is very ill and is in the hospital, she is raising her disabled grandchild and she has serious, chronic health problems of her own.  People tell her  “Let me know if you need anything” but then they walk away. 

Why do people do that?  I have a theory, and it is borne out of my own life history…I’ve done it.  I didn’t intend to be insensitive, but I was nonetheless.  Admittedly, I was busy (working 2 or 3 jobs, parenting special needs kids as a single mom).  Sometimes I would help but sometimes I didn’t see how I had the time to do anything helpful.  Even when I knew that there was likely nothing I had the ability to do, I’d say “Let me know if you need anything” anyway.  Why?  Honestly, in retrospect, I think it was because it made ME feel better!  Well, guess what?  It wasn’t supposed to be about ME! 

James 2: 15-16 says, “Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes or daily food.  If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?”  I’m thinking that saying “Let me know if you need anything” and walking away is essentially the same thing as James speaks of in this passage.

I’m thankful for the opportunities to help that I DID seize upon , and saddened and ashamed for the times when all I did was spout a platitude.  Hurting people don’t need platitudes.  They need love that comes with hands and feet.

Lord, help me to see the people around me who need something and help me to GIVE IT.  Help me to be love in action.

Unexpected Blessings

Recently, in response to an article in the Indy Star asking for Indiana families, we were nominated for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (EMHE).  While it would be unbelievable if we were chosen, the real blessing has been all the love and support I’ve received.  A couple of people have even shared their nomination letter with me and I am humbled and honored.  Most people live their whole life without those around them telling them what they love about them.  Then at the funeral or memorial service, people line up to say nice things about them.  Why not tell them NOW?  I’m not sure I deserve the credit I’ve been given.  I just loved my kids and cared for my patients the best way I knew how.  Still, knowing that a few people thought that I have done a good job means so very much.  Who do you need to tell?

Thank you for loving me.  Makeover or not, God is meeting our needs, challenging me to be a better person and giving me opportunities to show love to others.

I am blessed!!

Another Snowy Night

For the first time since I can remember we’ve had snow on the ground for more than 2 weeks without some sort of thaw.  While I’m ready for the snow to go and summer to BE HERE, I am happy to see white instead of shades of grey when I look out my windows.

I haven’t been out of the house at all since December 5th.  Honestly, I can’t believe that I’m saying that with so little emotion.  It just is what it is.  Christopher and I have successfully dodged all of the various bugs floating around (including H1N1) and for that I am very grateful!  Add the difficulty of Amy trying to get us all into the van (is that “circus music” I hear playing?) in this frigid weather and it just seems like a no-brainer to STAY HOME.

Being home gives me a lot of time to think…maybe too much.  I go to Facebook, check my email and try to spend as much time with Christopher as I can.  Amazing how the day is filled with just that.  Sometimes though, while perusing Facebook, I read of a friend from one of my “former lives” who has reached an important milestone: a wedding, a new baby, a new job, going back to school, a vacation.. and I feel like I am left behind.  I envision myself  in a little inlet on the bend of a river, where the water is still and deep.  The river itself rushes by, being renewed and I tread water: watching.  It is an odd feeling for someone who always was trying to swim faster, harder and stronger to meet the next challenge head-on.

Not that I don’t have challenges anymore.  I have plenty…but I have lost the illusion that I have any control.  I say “illusion” because I never HAD control.  I just WANTED it! 

I am thankful for the peace of God that indwells that still, deep place that I am.  But sometimes, I just want to get into the rapids one more time.