Friday, September 7, 2007

Downswing and on the upswing

I am finally feeling a little better. After the cruise, I was exhausted and then I got bronchitis. Two antibiotics later, I'm finally feeling better. I have to say, it was not a fun "ride". Feeling sick is no fun. Feeling sick and dealing with the realities of ALS is REALLY no fun. I have to admit, I had a bit of a pity party. I do my best to think "positive" and to keep FIGHTING ALS, but there are times when I just plain am SCARED. I'm scared of the changes that are coming (and I know pretty much what I'm 'in for'). I'm scared of dying alone. I'm scared that Christopher won't recognize me as "Mommy" when I can't talk or hug him anymore.

And I'm grieving. I'm grieving the loss of my future the way I had "planned" it (hahaha). I'm grieving the loss of the job I loved. I'm grieving the loss of every small ability that is now harder for me. I'm grieving the loss of hope that things will be easier tomorrow.

All this said, I am so grateful for what I still CAN do. I am so blessed that I CAN still hug Christopher and tell him that I love him with my own voice. I am blessed to be able to cherish so many things that so many people in our spoiled, rich, blessed society take for granted. I am grateful for my friends and for this opportunity to find out who my real FRIENDS are (and that has been the biggest shock of ALL).

I hope that you can take a minute today and think about all you have... family, friends, material blessings, a job, opportunities, choices....and thank God for it all. If you are blessed (and you KNOW you are!) find SOME way to "pay it forward". Share a word of encouragement, a gift, donate to a charity, call an old friend who you "are gonna" call but can't seem to make the time, tell someone that you LOVE them......Make the world a little bit better place today than it was yesterday, somehow.

Love, Claudia