For the first time since I can remember we’ve had snow on the ground for more than 2 weeks without some sort of thaw. While I’m ready for the snow to go and summer to BE HERE, I am happy to see white instead of shades of grey when I look out my windows.
I haven’t been out of the house at all since December 5th. Honestly, I can’t believe that I’m saying that with so little emotion. It just is what it is. Christopher and I have successfully dodged all of the various bugs floating around (including H1N1) and for that I am very grateful! Add the difficulty of Amy trying to get us all into the van (is that “circus music” I hear playing?) in this frigid weather and it just seems like a no-brainer to STAY HOME.
Being home gives me a lot of time to think…maybe too much. I go to Facebook, check my email and try to spend as much time with Christopher as I can. Amazing how the day is filled with just that. Sometimes though, while perusing Facebook, I read of a friend from one of my “former lives” who has reached an important milestone: a wedding, a new baby, a new job, going back to school, a vacation.. and I feel like I am left behind. I envision myself in a little inlet on the bend of a river, where the water is still and deep. The river itself rushes by, being renewed and I tread water: watching. It is an odd feeling for someone who always was trying to swim faster, harder and stronger to meet the next challenge head-on.
Not that I don’t have challenges anymore. I have plenty…but I have lost the illusion that I have any control. I say “illusion” because I never HAD control. I just WANTED it!
I am thankful for the peace of God that indwells that still, deep place that I am. But sometimes, I just want to get into the rapids one more time.